Don't Drink and Type

I get it. I get it.

My life is an edgy, badly written episode of "I Love Lucy". In my circle of friends I would love to be thought of as the sexy one, the fun one, the smart one. There is to be none of that. I am the goofy one.

It starts with a beer or two. I have no tolerance. I drink the beer and decide to get myself up on eHarmony. Sober this has never appealed to me. I think I'm a better fit for those personals on Nerve or The Onion or a phone number written in eyeliner on random bathroom walls. These mainstream dating sites get all insistent that you use your actual age, which severely cuts into the barely legal action I am gunning for.

So, I get myself up on there and start answering the questions. I type. I save. The next day I notice that I have spelled my own first name wrong on the profile. Not only is it a common name, but if I get in a bind it can be easily found on my driver's license, library card, in the bible.

Then I can't change it. I have to write a gdamn email to eHarmony asking them to correct it. Asking them to please correct the spelling on my common, easily spelled first name. Because I just couldn't get it right the first time.

Those poor guys that see my profile and want to date me. How could they possibly know what they are getting into? God knows what that so called personality profile says. I'd be amazed that I got anything correct on there.

If I said it once kids, I'll still say it again: Don't drink and internet date. Just. Not. Worth. It.