That's my Grandmother. This was the last picture we had taken together. I dreamt about her the other day and am still processing it.
Ugh. This just happened to me a couple weeks ago and now here it is again. The other week I had this break up dream, where I broke up with a long term partner. I went around the entire next day feeling like I had just dumped someone. Who wants that? But, the most recent one is worse. In this dream my Grandmother had just died (she died in June and we were very, very close). Instantly, with her death, I was cut from my family. Not in a rude, I saw what you blogged about me way, but my main connection to them got severed. So, in the dream, I am in my Grandmother's house. In the tiny room I like to sleep in when I am there. I am trying on pairs and pairs of her shoes because I didn't have the right ones of my own to wear (this is how you can tell it's a dream). Everyone is running around and ignoring me.
I am having a shoe crisis, my Grandmother has just died, and I am alone in a busy, busy house.
So, I wake up and I know that the dream was not how things really went down. In the reality, my Grandmother's passing was still a hard, hard thing (we shared the same birthday, she helped raised me, she bought me shoes). But my family was great and I had never felt more connected to them. I loved being around them and cracking jokes, eating food, making someone buy me another beer. And, of course, in reality I had the right shoes. I always have the right shoes.
I also feel, I hate to get too woo-woo, but I feel like I haven't really lost my Grandmother. She was older, her health was failing, and I got to spend so much time with her in this last year. I was sad not to see her anymore, but felt like it was a relief for her to move on.
Still, today I am sad.
4 comments:
Hi. I found your blog from Yarnagogo. I am sorry about your grandmother, it nearly killed me when my grandparents went. It didn't actually succeed though. That is the good news.
Rachel,
That is a beautiful picture. I have a similiar one with my grandmother right before she passed away. It means a lot to me also. I always get a good feeling when I look at the picture because I know she loved me very much.
I love your blog. I love that you shared this. Your Grandmother is gorgeous. (As are you. ;)
How great that she was your shoe shopping comrade.
I heartily agree that you didn't lose her. I think those dreams and memories are often when our loved ones are giving us a little fly by. She's checking on you. She's making sure you don't lose your good taste in shoes. She's loving you from where she is.
That's what I think, anyway.
Thanks for all the sweet comments. Em, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles when your grandparents passed, but I am glad to know that things will shift. I am constantly surprised that grieving is not linear. I always expect to feel better in small amounts each day, and end up getting blind sided by a wall of grief out of nowhere.
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